I've finally been revived from the situation and can now fully analyze it for what it is: I don't care if I upset people with my emotions anymore. I'm sick of a couple people giving me a hard time because of how I feel. Right now, I just want anyone who's ever made me feel bad to suffer. Whilst wearing Corey Taylor's (lead singer of Slipknot) mask and playing guitar with fire all around me.

Because you don't know me. You don't know how my young childhood was. No I wasn't beaten or poor or anything like that. But I've been scarred by many remarks as a five year old and on and still to this very day.

I thought about what Marize supposedly said and what a person has told me about being "a bit of a crybaby". Hey, I never asked you to read my journal, nor have I asked Marize to listen to my problems. In fact, I've always tried to hide my problems from other people because it upsets them. But eventually, it all comes out all of a sudden. Yes, the dreaded "bottling it up".

My strategy is to harness my sorrows into my schoolwork. "Focus on my studies" if you will. But, that hasn't been working because I don't get enough work to cease my depression. So, I'm going to take up writing again. Maybe some songs, short stories and scripts this time.

Every day I walk into Drama, I sit behind Marize. So every day I've been making a habit of slamming my binders and whatnot on the desk and then throwing my purse on the desk with a thud, THEN slamming my book (which is hard-cover half the time) open to read until we get started editing our big script. The first couple times made me so satisfied when I saw her flinch.

No, I won't say a word to her. But I want her and everyone else to remember that they can't shut me out that easily. I'm sick of being ignored and excluded so easily. “Don't turn your back on me. I won't be ignored,”- Linkin Park.

She could have at least talked to me and said “Hey you're kind of making me upset. I'm going to keep my distance,”. I can understand euphemism. I can take a hint. I'm NOT stupid and everyone knows that. I've been “dictionary brain” since 4th grade. Reason before the big blow also helps. Instead of saying “I don't want to be friends with you anymore” as soon as she sees me. That brings immense shock in most cases.

I don't want to be cruel or have a cruel nature. I don't know whether to blame her, people that did like her, or myself (although I'm leaning towards myself).

I already know not to blame other people. I only express their faults, as I have my own as well. But how can I blame myself when I know where that leads? I've been down that road for too long and it's not a pretty sight. I'm sick of being a prisoner of my own sorrow.

But, I can't just change my emotions overnight. When I went to the counselor one of the last things he said was that “There are just some situations you can't control so you shouldn't blame yourself”. He also says that if everyone had a gun and a boat, everything would be right with the world. I can just picture people fish hunting.

Why is it always what the counselor says that sticks? And not just the counselor, it's always someone that you don't talk to often whose words stick. Maybe they make the biggest impact because it's a different person. Who knows.

I was sitting behind Marize in Drama, half-sulking, half-being angry at the world, when Brandon walked in. It's like a happiness radiates off of him. Or maybe it's just me.

Brandon goes to write on a list on the wall. Oh. Book checkout. Our Drama teacher also teaches Speech and English. Then he takes another book that looks similar to it but with different colors and a different picture. Must be reading a series. Turns to Marize.

“Can you tell Mrs. Padgett that I returned the book and checked out the next one?” he asked her.

“Yeah”

Walks to the door. My pathetic hopes are gone.

“See ya, Colleen” he says to me.

Didn't expect that. He doesn't talk to me that often. I figured that he was annoyed by me like the rest.

My heart- No, not my heart. But something in my chest cavity. My lungs? No. Something within me jumps.

I reply with a smile. The most genuine one I've had in a long time. Ones that only Kailey (and a few other select friends) and my Mama can bring. I suddenly have the strange impulse to hug him. Maybe it's not so strange. I've had that impulse for a long time. Probably for over a year.

At the threshold of the door now. I feel like dragging him back in the room and begging him to stay. The scenario flashes in my mind like in those comedy central show montages. I would plead “No, don't leave me in this cold classroom alone with no one to talk to!” Besides, I want to talk to him the most. There's so much I want to ask him. “You don't like being around me do you? Is that why you don't talk to me often?” “Did you know that Marize doesn't want to be my friend anymore?” “What do you think of Tyler?” That last one might get an amusing answer because we all know how annoying Lardo-kun is. The other day, Brandon was running to his ride at car loading. His mom had been waiting there in that silverish van for a good five or ten minutes. And Tyler was still talking to him. If you took the car loading scene out of the picture, it looked like Brandon was running away from him. I laughed at this and also thought about how it would go perfectly with a song by Movits.

Should I ask him those questions? I think the last answer would be very amusing.


On another note: I figured out how to scan things to my computer. I first went to Scanners and Cameras on Control Panel, then read all the information I could until one button took me to Windows Help and Support. Then, I got step-by-step directions on how to scan images to Windows Photo Gallery. I love Windows Help and Support. They also taught me how to burn cds a while back.

So now I can do any kiriban, art trade, request (perhaps), enter contests in a timely fashion and scan whatever I please. *braces self for round of applause followed by dancing and a huge pinata*


The title of my journal is through a brand new eye because I now this phrase.

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